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Gabriel
12.6.2002, 10:11:15
They were all in a hotel in the middle of nowhere. Everywhere was just plains. Auron had suggested, that they'D stayed in this tiny hotel they found alone there for a night. They accepted it thankfully. Tidus was tired from all those uncomfortable nights under the sky on the hard ground. Also, fiends were to appear at middlenight and always someone had to guard. If it weren't the fiends, then the bugs and snakes came. It was horrible.
"Well, at least this night will be comfortable..." Tidus said to himself. He was in his room watching out of the window into cold and glass-like darkness of night. Then someone knocked on the door.
"Yeah, come on in." Tidus said and smiled. The door opened and Rikku walked in.
"Oh, Rikku! Hi! What is it?" Tidus said quite loudly. He was expecting Auron or at least Wakka, but he didn't had a clue what Rikku could possibly want to talk about. But Rikku looked quite nervous and sad.
"Tidus..." she said, "Have you noticed something about Yunie? She's been quite silent lately and spends her time alone." Rikku said and watched Tidus with her beautyful eyes keenly. Tidus noticed, that Rikku's hands were massaging eachother. Man, girl was REALLY nervous.
"Yeah, I've noticed. Something apparently bugs her mind. Does it look that bad?" Tidus asked. He sat on his bed and Rikku came sitting next to him. Tidus noticed from the move of Rikku's cheeks that she was sucking her tooth. Tidus also did that sometimes when he was thinking REALLY much.
"Well...Yunie's been also so warm and kind for me...but now...when I talked to her this evening..." Rikku left the words floating into air.
"What? What possibly happened?" Tidus asked and then he got a thought and asked horryfied:
"Rikku! She didn't order an aeon to attack you, didn't she?!" Tidus asked loudly. Rikku moved nervously.
"No...no, she didn't. But her answer was...well, she was so unbeliavebly cold to me, and although she didn't say it, I realised that she wanted me to get out of there. I believe that...that she could've...attack me..." Rikku said and psuhed her head down. Tidus was quite shocked. What could possibly going on with Yna? Could Rikku lie? No, she couldn't. Rikku was too nervous about Yuna to lie. And Yuna WAS acting strange lately.
Suddenly Tidus felt himself unconfident. What was wrong with Yuna? Rikku was holding her hands on her face. Tidus looked at the sad young girl. He heard that Rikku was making some weird voices. Suddenly he realised, that the young Al Bhed was crying and trying to hide it.
"Oh Rikku, don't cry." he said and hugged her. Rikku almost throwed herself on to him and hugged him too. She was crying. Tidus understanded Rikku, she loved Yuna like she was her sister.

"Don't cry, Rikku, don't cry." Tidus hugged her and was to trying to cheer her up, "I'm sure that Yuna didn't mean it, you're a very nice person after all." he said and Rikku pushed hi slowly away. He saw how girl removed her tears with the back of her hand and looked at him strangely.
"What?" Tidus asked. He felt himself a bit uncomftable. Rikku was looking keenly at him.
"You...you're just trying to cheer me up, are you?" she asked. It seemed that she forgot all about Yuna. "Saying that I'm so nice person, just trying to cheer me up, aren't you?! And you're not thinking how could I feel about it?!" Rikku almost yelled.
"Whoa? What?! What, I don't understand! Well, you ARE a nice person! You're very kind and all...you're so...fun to be with!" Tidus answered her. Rikku was watching him. She had moved onto another side of the bed they were sitting and she wasn't coming closer, but she wasn't standing up either.
"You...you don't seem to be liyng...and probably...well, you're not from Spira originally, right?" she asked and moved few sentimetres closer to Tidus.
"Huh? Hasn't anyone ever said to you that you're a nice person?" Tidus asked her. Rikku watched him for a second and decided to answer:
"Well...a non-Al Bhed...no. Well, yes they have, but only sarcasticly and trying to hurt me...I've had kindness only from the likes of me..." Rikku said and pushed her head down.

Tidus felt heat rising up at his head. Rage filled him and he hit his kneel with his arm.
"Damn those Yevonites! Always so 'righteous'! Man, I can't believe that the world has gone like THIS!" he almost yelled.
"Yes...it's hard...it's so hard...outside the small camps of Al Bhed...I have had to live in fear...that was before I met you. But...always I've had to be so careful...running, escaping. Yevonites have hurted me many ways. And..." she rose her head and watched Tidus straight into his eyes, "Some of the most painful ways aren't physical." Rikku's eyes stared at Tidus. They were strong, but nice eyes. Tidus didn't understand how could anyone want to hurt Rikku. So what she were an Al Bhed? That wasn't a reason or something!

"Man...I don't understand! How just anyone could've..." Tidus shaked his hands and wasn't able to find proper words. But Rikku talked with her calm and gentle voice:
"It's because I'm Al Bhed. That's why. For them -- it is reason enough." Rikku said and moved slowely towards Tidus. Tidus hugged her. Then Rikku whispered into his ear:
"Tidus...you're so nice to me. Well, almost all of you have been - exept Wakka - but you're only guy who has...bee nice to me." she said. Tidus moved his head a little bit back and watched into her large, beautiful eyes.
"Huh? Well, didn't you have a boyfriend in your Home?" he asked. Rikku closed her eyes and very weakly she whispered:
"Well...there was...one. But he...he went one day to the desert. One of his friends was lost and he was going to help him. His friend...was captured and held by the Yevonites. They were using him as bait and...killed them both. Also, the removed their...heads and tied them onto sides of one horse. They sent the horse back to Home. I...was one of the first to see it." she said.

"Damn them!" Tidus shouted. He was going to hit the table with his fist, but Rikku captured his hand.
"No, please...no rage now. I admit, I'D like a revenge, but...he was so nice to me. But they killed him before he had ever...made me feel nice. Well, you've been also so gentle and kind to me and, I want you to make me feel nice. I also want to make you feel nice and thank you so." she said. Tidus looked at her face what was starting to get red and didn't understand a word.
"What? What do you mean by that?" he asked. Rikku pulled his hand towards her.
"I mean...it, it's so hard to say. Let me just do it." she said and suddenly, very fast she moved next to Tidus and hugged him. Not like before, but with her full body. She pulled her body against the one of Tidus and Tidus felt the heat coming from her body. He felt Rikku's breasts on his chest, he heard her fast breath because her mouth was next to his ear.
"Rikku! What are you doing!" he shouted and tried to push the girl away.
"No, please. Tidus, you've always been so kind to me...let me be now kind to you." she said. Tidus felt her body in his arms. Rikku was so beautiful, he had looked at Rikku many times thinking about it, but that it could actually happen?! He had only dreamt about it.
"Well, Rikku...are you ABSOLUTELY sure about it?" he asked. Rikku let go of him and laid herself on the bed.
"Yes, I am. Let us have eachother..." she whispered. Then she rose herself, moved her hands on her back and Tidus heard *snap*. Rikku's orange shirt came down revealing her strong and young body, those flexible and strong, but tiny teengirls muscles. She wore now only a tiny white bra and her short pants. Rikku smiled at him very nervously and her face was almost as red as a tomato. Then she moved her hands again on her back and removed her bra.

Tidus looked at the girls beautiful and well developed breasts. They were ready and seemed that Rikku had already 'winded up'. Tidus noticed that they were had also very much sun like the rest of Rikku's body. Did Rikku take sunbaths without her bra? Thought got Tidus to shake himself. Rikku was very nervous and was holding on of her tiny arms on her breast. She seemed to be unexperienced.
"They're...they're pretty." Tidus said. Rikku smiled back and Tidus saw a little bit more confidence on her face this time. Then she stood up and took her short pants off. She was there now only in her tiny - and a bit wet - panties. Tidus looked at Rikku's beautiful and attractive body. Rikku laid herself down again.
"Yes Tidus, I am sure." she said and smiled to him. Tidus couldn't resist.

He moved himself on to her and kissed her neck. He felt how Rikku's whole body reacted to it and girl shaked for a second. Then he moved his head down to one of her breasts and playd with her nipple with his tongue. Rikku moaned a bit. He put her hands around her and pulled himself onto her. Tidus started to suck the hardened nipples of her and he felt how Rikku embraced him with her hands. Rikku started to swet a little bit and Tidus felt the strong sexual heat of her body. He sucked her erect nipple gently and heard how Rikku's breath started to get louder and faster. Then he moved his hand towards her legs and touched her panties. He pushed his finger there. It was like an electric shock ran in her for a second. She moved unwillingly and moaned a little bit loudly.
Then Tidus removed her all-wet panties and looked at her pretty vagina. Rikku had short and soft hair and Tidus moved his hand on it. Then he started to push two of his fingers into her.

Rikku's moan was getting louder. Girl was very wet and shaking. Rikku felt the orgasm coming and wanted to make it even stronger by starting to masturbate her breasts. Tidus moved his fingers faster and faster inside Rikku and he knew, that the girl was coming soon. Rikku herself felt like she would be in fire, she had masturbated before but it was nothing compared to this. Tidus kissed Rikku while still moving his hand in her and it all was awsome. Tidus was hard as a rock. Pleasure was unbeliavable - Rikku almost cried and then she came.
It felt like waves of fire and electricity were coming from her vagina and continuing their way all over her body. She was shaking and almost jelling; this was her strongest orgasm ever. Then it started to stop and Rikku watched at Tidus with increadable joy on her face. Then it was Tidus's turn. He started to remove his clothes while Rikku watched.

"Is THAT supposed to fit inside me?" she asked and didn't believe her eyes. Tidus's penis was very large - or at least it seemed so, Rikku hadn't seen fully erect penis before.
"Don't worry. It will fit." he said and moved himself closer to her. She seemed unconfident.
"Tidus, please...be gentle. This is -- my first time." she said and got a bit red again. Tidus smiled back to her.
"I'll be gentle." he said and then he kissed her. Rikku kissed back and embraced him with her arms. Tidus moved his arms under Rikku's legs and pulled her up and sat her on his fully erect penis. Slowly it was going into Rikku and girls face was telling that it was a bit painful, but also very pleasureful.
"It hurts?" Tidus asked from her.
"Just a bit." she whispered quietly to him. Tidus slowed down a bit. He felt Rikku's hot body in his arms. Her strong legs on his, her back and he felt her from inside her too. His one hand was on her left side and he felt her strong and fast heartbeat. His penis was now more then by half inside her and he felt Rikku around it. She hugged him strong and he pushed his head down and started to suck her hard nipple. Girl started to moan. Tidus moved his arms on Rikku, his penis in Rikku and his tongue on her nipple. Right now he was concentrated on to girl 100%. Finally his entire penis was inside Rikku and girl was a bit surprised.
"It...is...inside...me...so...big..." she spoke. Then the girl started to move a bit on him. Tidus laid Rikku on her back, took her legs into his arms and started to move on her. Rikku was moaning, criyng thanks to pleasure and she felt another orgasm coming soon. Tidus also felt that he'll come soon and started to move even faster. He moved faster and faster in the young Al Bhed girl and made her moan turn almost into jelling. Rikku was almost on the edge, just seconds away from her another orgasm, wich was to be even greater then her first one. Tidus was also close, he felt Rikku with every single cell of his body. And then they both came at the same time, shouting from pleasure. Tidus's warm semen was shoten into into very inside of Rikku and the girl hugged him tightly while her one wave of orgasm came after another.

They hugged and it was peace after the large storm. So they both fell asleep, still hugging eachother tighlty, loving each other.



Edited by Gabriel on 12.6.2002 14:14

Supah
12.6.2002, 10:30:20
"Is THAT supposed to fit inside me"
"Don´t worry.It will fit" ;)
mahtavaa dialogia tossa muutenki ihan suhtis mutta kirjota suomeks ens kerralla

Gabriel
12.6.2002, 10:37:01
Originally posted by Supah @ 12.6.2002 10:30
"Is THAT supposed to fit inside me"
"Don´t worry.It will fit" ;)
mahtavaa dialogia tossa muutenki ihan suhtis mutta kirjota suomeks ens kerralla
...

Öh, kiitos...kai.
Jospa et laittaisi lainauksia. Häpeän tässä muutenkin jo tarpeeksi. Lainaukset aiheuttavat minulle nyt vain misantropiaa.

/me häpeää

Mistä täältä saa tappivanukasta? :D :rispekti:

Ilezki
12.6.2002, 16:40:21
Loistavaa, Gab se osaa kirjoittaa, teksti oli loistava, pari typoa, mutta kukaan ei ole täydellinen.. :rispekti:

isoSILLI
12.6.2002, 17:11:13
Hähää!!!
Kolmen KWEH!?!n arvoinen kirjoitus, paras fanfic pitkiin aikoihin :D
Juoni oli loistavaa ja tunnelma vallan mainio!
Oikein mainiota luettavaa...Kannattaa printata ja ottaa kesälomamatkalukemiseksi mukaan ulkomaille!
:rispekti: nousee entisestään! Bravo!

Jackal von ÖRF
12.6.2002, 18:05:46
Näin se homma etenee! :)http://www.fffin.com/ikonboard/non-cgi/Skin/Default/PostIcons/icon14.gif Tuo tarina alkaa jo hoitaa tehtävänsä, joten lisää vain samanlaista. Kirjoita vaikka jatkoa tälle. :D

Roakel
12.6.2002, 18:39:44
Tosi hyvä juoni ja muutenkin hyvin kirjoitettu,kumpa tulisi jatkoa..

Sami E
12.6.2002, 20:21:03
As English is the best language of expression, I will write my comments in English!

Well, the first thing that comes to mind that this fic has many similarities to another one I've read - SomeRandomBastard's Gratitude (http://www.greyarchive.com/SomeRandom7.htm). I didn't like it much though, and I'm not jumping of joy reading this one, either, though it does have its good points.

Well, the grammar you asked not to be criticized. Despite that, I'll say that it is disturbingly clear this text would have needed proofreading and correcting. One obvious instance is the lack of the definite article before 'girl'. If one is to invest a large chunk of one's time into writing, one should take the extra time needed to make the story as grammatically correct as possible.

Now then. The fic avoids making it painfully clear from the beginning that this all is written to lead into sex. Some lemons pay close attention to describing any even semi-sexual thought or gesture and the clothes and curves and whatnot of the female(s) (not talking yaoi here ;) ). It's a good thing that the beginning of the story doesn't come off as pretentious because of the writer writing between each line: "SEX. SOON."

One other characteristic of the not-so good fan fiction, lemons included, is OOC, characters acting out of character, unlike themselves. In this fic, I find the way Yuna's behaviour is introduced strange:


What? What possibly happened?" Tidus asked and then he got a thought and asked horryfied:
"Rikku! She didn't order an aeon to attack you, didn't she?!" Tidus asked loudly. Rikku moved nervously.
"No...no, she didn't. But her answer was...well, she was so unbeliavebly cold to me, and although she didn't say it, I realised that she wanted me to get out of there. I believe that...that she could've...attack me..."

I think all this talk of attacking is immense overreacting on the part of both Rikku and Tidus. I wouldn't believe Tidus being horrified and thinking that Yuna is going to whip out an aeon to give Rikku a good whipping (hey, now wouldn't that make a nice lemon? XD) Yuna must have behaved reeeaaalllly odd to have Rikku think she would attack her. (Though it wouldn't matter, if Yuna didn't use an aeon [which would be ridiculous]: with that Strength of hers, Yuna couldn't clobber a piece of steak.)

Also, the setting seems a bit odd. Of course I realise this isn't meant to be a part of the game, but still, where the heck are they? During the game, we seem to follow the group all the way from beginning to end. This fic seems to be set in some extra place that doesn't fit into the game. Oh well.

Also, I have gotten an entirely different impression of the game world regarding the attitudes to the Al Bhed. The Yevonite religion seems to be very much a peaceful one (minus a few obvious things), although I admit that violent attitudes towards the Al Bhed could have been dismissed from the game's storyline. But what they did to her boyfriend... That just doesn't fit with what I saw in the game. Oh well Mark 2.

Her story, in itself, is well told. I also feel that a lot of the emotions of the two characters are believable and add much to the story. It seems to me that this fic would have done better without the sex scene, it would have been a nice, shortish fic with perhaps a few places where the author took a bit too much liberty with the world and the characters, but otherwise a good story. Why not just have them hug and then have Rikku return the room? The sex scene, you see, is where the quality of the story drops.

First of all, there's the whole virgin thing. It is rare for a lemon to handle virginity well. Usually the result is unbelievable, or then, slightly odd.

And in this case, I don't think Rikku being a virgin is handled very well. It feels almost as if these two are acting in a porn movie (Final Fantasy XXX, of course), as the scene is lacking almost all timidness, tenderness or realism.

She's a virgin, and she's using Tidus as a sort of a substitute for her boyfriend, with whom she never got to have sex with. Now isn't that healthy? And she's also grateful to Tidus. Oh, the modern youth. Isn't a simple 'thank you' enough?

It's lucky that she doesn't seem to bleed at all and that breaking her hymen doesn't hurt all that much. What would a lemon be if a first time wasn't a happy and easy occasion?

There is no mention of love or liking, so they're having sex just because? (And also because of Rikku's twisted reasons and because Tidus is male.) The two don't kiss until Tidus's fingers are in her vagina. Obviously, they're both inexperienced and don't know of things like foreplay. At the same time, they are fully sure of themselves, short of Rikku's furious blushing and nervous smiling (but then, that's before the sex), and also, they don't seem very eager to explore each other, just to get the thing over with. They barely touch each other before getting to the good stuff. Oh yes. Tidus spents like one minute holding the girl and sucking her nipple and stuff, and then, whoopsie-daisy, you ordered some vaginal stimulation miss? And of course, she starts having lots of powerful orgasms. Now that we can't do away with in a lemon, of course she's fully relaxed and of course Tidus is a master of pleasuring women. And simultaneous orgasms at the end, how convenient.

I am being overly critical, in a way. This is standard fare in your average lemon. Despite all this lack of realism, even the sex scene is not overly bad. If Tidus and Rikku were porn actors, the scene might even work somehow. An average lemon sex scene coupled with a good leading story makes for a slightly above average lemon. Although the English would really need brushing up.

-----------------------------------------------------

A few silly lines:


Tidus looked at the girls beautiful and well developed breasts. They were ready and seemed that Rikku had already 'winded up'.

Boobies ready for sex, oh yes. And pointing nipples do not need to mean sexual arousal, if that's what you mean with the 'winded up' bit. Of course, since this is Tidus doing the thinking, maybe I should tell him that =)


Rikku felt the orgasm coming and wanted to make it even stronger by starting to masturbate her breasts.

No no no Xp


Right now he was concentrated on to girl 100%.

Ah, a lemon written by IT consultants.

-----------------------------------------------------

And hey, don't take this too harshly - it's a valiant effort you've made.

And that, as they say, is that.

Shai
14.6.2002, 18:14:15
Originally posted by Gabriel @ 12.6.2002 10:11
Jos tämä jollekin on omistettu, niin Nuukielle (Ninja), TÄMÄ olkoon kiitokseni hänelle niistä linkeistä. THIS is the _edge_ of the coin.
:shy:  :shy:  :shy:  :shy:

Olen kyllä otettu nyt. Joo hyväähän tekstiä tuo on, luin kokonaan tuon kanssa läpi. Kyllä sinussa on tosiaankin ainetta kirjailijaksi. :up: :up: :up: :up: :up:

Minäkin varmaan voisin yrittää joskus jotain tälläistä kirjoittaa.

Mutta siis :rispekti: sinulle



Edited by Ninja on 14.6.2002 18:18

Gabriel
16.6.2002, 16:26:31
Well, the first thing that comes to mind that this fic has many similarities to another one I've read - SomeRandomBastard's Gratitude. I didn't like it much though, and I'm not jumping of joy reading this one, either, though it does have its good points.

Oh, have come I have read it just a day before I wrote this?


Now then. The fic avoids making it painfully clear from the beginning that this all is written to lead into sex. Some lemons pay close attention to describing any even semi-sexual thought or gesture and the clothes and curves and whatnot of the female(s) (not talking yaoi here  ). It's a good thing that the beginning of the story doesn't come off as pretentious because of the writer writing between each line: "SEX. SOON."

I hate those kind. They are what are called 'peelo'.


One other characteristic of the not-so good fan fiction, lemons included, is OOC, characters acting out of character, unlike themselves. In this fic, I find the way Yuna's behaviour is introduced strange


Yeah, I've decided to make this a large fic that I would write simultaneously at the same time like my Viimeinen Unelma (Final Fantasy).


Also, the setting seems a bit odd. Of course I realise this isn't meant to be a part of the game, but still, where the heck are they?

In the middle of nowhere. :rispekti:


Why not just have them hug and then have Rikku return the room?

Well, the Numero Uno objective WAS after all a lemon.


She's a virgin, and she's using Tidus as a sort of a substitute for her boyfriend, with whom she never got to have sex with.

Oh yes, when I'll write this larger, then Tidus will understand and it will be some true 'Kauniit ja Rohkeat'. XD


Ah, a lemon written by IT consultants.



Understand do I, not.

Ninjuli, kiits. :)
Kirjoita ihmeessä.


Eli tämän on tarkoitus tulla suuremmaksikin ficiksi ja kirjoitan sen suomeksi. Seksi tulee olemaan osa sitä, ei päämäärä. Lisäksi kiitos sen saamme nähdä ihmissuhdedraamaa. Myöskin Yunan vajoaminen hulluuden synkkään mustanvhireään vorteksiin on tulossa.

Unohtakaa vain se, että tämä ei ole missään muussa yhteydessä peliin, ei ainakaan sijainnin suhteen. Muuten ei mitään. :D

Eetupatukka
16.6.2002, 22:08:50
-

Swordman
16.6.2002, 22:36:54
Mitähh?Seksinovelli final fantasy hahmoista :ohhoh: Kaikkea sitä nuoret silmäni lukevatkin.Onneksi tarinasi oli kirjoitettu hyvin eikä eksynyt sinne pervo osastolle.Englantisi oli erinomaista ja monipuolista.Toivottavasti kirjoitat seuraavan osan eri FF hahmoilla :)  :)



Edited by Swordman on 16.6.2002 23:14

Ceassa
21.6.2002, 19:00:14
*kikattaa* Whoo-hoo, Tiduskin oli mukana... :D *punastuu* Juu-uh, lisää tällaisia! :p

muumuu
24.6.2002, 6:19:39
Aijai, tämmöttii se Gab setä kirjottaa, pornonovelleja rikkusta ja sen seksisuhteesta suurpenikseiseen tidukseen... *reps*
Juh, ihan elävää tekstiä, toisin paikoin kyllä aika hupaisa, esim aina kun luki vagina/penis, min purskahdin nauruun [en tiedä mikä niissä sanoissa niin naurattaa].
Juu, kirjota toki lisää, englanniks ois paras lukea, koska eikös tuo teksti käännettynä olis aika hassu?
:rispekti: -mittari nousee taivaaseen, toivottavasti tulee lisää jatkoa. [on sitä kiva välillä tälläsiäkin juttuja lukee, ei noissa mitn pahaa ole ^^]

Celeb
24.6.2002, 10:31:02
Niinq c00l :). :rispekti:
Ennen tuon "tärkeimmän" tapahtuman alkua ;) FFX - Ending Theme sopi loistavasti tuohon tunnelmaan kun Rikku kertoi elämästään.
Sitten tuossa loppuvaiheilla FFX - Pure Heart oli siinä kuin sukka jalassa. paitsi kovin Purea tuo ei välttämättä ollut ;)

Purity
25.6.2010, 11:58:17
kirjoitin tekstin ilmaisukielistä parhaimmalla - englannin kielellä.
Noh, noh. Suomi on kaunis kieli. Rehellisesti - äläkä nyt loukkaannu - tekstisi kaipaisi ehkä hieman viilausta tuon englannin suhteen. Sami E silti näitä asioita jo taisikin käsitellä, joten jätän asian tähän ja kommentoin itse tekstiä.

Tosiaan kerronnan uskottavuutta syö hieman tuo Rikkun ja Tiduksen reaktio Yunan käytökseen. Pelin kautta tutuksi tullut Yuna kun oli kovin rauhallinen persoona, joten lukijana minulla on vaikeuksia kuvitella miten sekä Rikku että Tidus pystyisivät häiriintymään tämän käytöksestä näin. Ellei Rikku sitten tosiaan valehdellut - jota Tidus päähahmona taisi jopa pikaisesti miettiä (hyvä!). Tätä onkin mielenkiintoista pohtia, onko seksinnälkäinen Al Bhed -teinimme lavastanut koko tilanteen? Hyvä, on hienoa kuinka lukijan mietittäväksi jätetään asioita tällä tavalla!

Tekstissä on kiitettävä määrä keskustelua ja 'pohjustusta' ennen itse aktia. Tekstin 'pääasia' taitaa silti olla tuo seksi, ja siksi koen että minun täytyy kommentoida hieman sitäkin osuutta. Huh, kuinka helposti Rikku saa orgasmeja! :o Tidushan vaikutti kuitenkin aika taitamattomalta rakastajalta, vähän hiplaili nännejä ja sitten jyyst. Ei tässä muuten mitään, mutta minusta tällaisetkin seikat vievät tarinalta sen uskottavuutta tietyssä määrin. Toki mainitsit viestisi alussa, että pyrit välttämään liiallista kuvailua, ja ehkä tästä syystä sitten rakastelukohatus silmiini vaikuttikin epäuskottavalta. Tästä pitäisikin oppia löytämään se hieno raja, missä liiallisen kuvailun raja menee.

Dialogissa on minusta myös hieman viilaamista - ihan kielioppivirheiden ulkopuolellakin. En osaa kuvitella hahmoja puhumaan ehkä täysin tuolla tavalla. Fanficcejä kirjoittaessa minusta on tärkeää, että yritetään saada vangittua ficissä olevien hahmojen luonne, ja sovittaa heidän puhetyylinsä dialogiin.

Silti, keep up the good work! Harjoitus tekee mestarin ja kunhan saat hieman parannettua tuota englanninkielistä ilmaisuasi, niin tekstiesi laatu tulee tulevaisuudessa paranemaan varmasti paljon.